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My mother-in-law cannot be my mother, who holds a special place in my life. But we can work towards a unique relationship if we recognise each other as individuals.
So, I got a forward today that spoke about how a woman realised the hard way that her mother-in-law was not her mother, and it was just a figure of speech when the mother-in-law said that her daughter-in-law is like her own daughter.
I seriously wonder how such huge misconceptions are accepted by our minds.
Giving this whole thing a serious thought, I realised if I speak about my own life, my mother is someone who cleaned my poop, hugged me to sleep, kissed me on my cheeks, pacified me during board exams, listened to my stories that gushed out of me of the crushes I had and of a particular guy “looking my way”, went with me to all the stupid movies, listened to me when I fell in love, helped the nurse put a catheter in me before my delivery, changed my clothes post delivery and what not.
Can I, as a woman, love anyone else like I love my own mother? No. I can respect and love the person that my mother-in-law is, be protective of her, be with her, share secrets with her, but there would always be a difference between my mother and my mother-in-law.
Similarly, would I love anyone more than my own child? When my child gets married, would I treat the spouse as my own child? Of course not! I can call a spade a spade, speak in an unbiased fashion if the need be, I can correct my child and even take sides with my child’s spouse if I find my offspring is wrong, but I would always be my child’s mother. And the spouse would always be my child’s life partner and would never be my child.
In India, a lot is lost in translation due to the rampant use of figures of speech. Like, “Apna hi ghar samjho” (consider this your own home). Try and go bag-and-baggage to a person’s house who says this, and the whole “athithi devo bhavah” would fly out of the window. A lot of relatives say, “meri beti jaisi hai” (she’s just like my daughter). Try asking them to pay for your college fees, and see them turning around and running with the speed of light.
So, the bottom line is, relationships are not made overnight when a woman gets married. They take time to grow. Give them that time, don’t expect a woman to act like your mother when you have a separate and special place for your mother in your heart. The same goes the other way too. Don’t expect a girl to be your daughter when you have a special place in your heart for your own child.
In my opinion, by making the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law synonymous to a mother-daughter relationship, we strip this special alliance of its uniqueness. We take away the option of cultivating this relationship into something special by burdening it with undue expectations and unrealistic hopes and guidelines.
We can actually build and nurture this relationship in a beautiful manner if we set realistic ideals to approach it with enthusiasm and honesty, and give this unique relationship the chance to develop into a unique bond that this association does deserve.
Published here earlier.
Header image is a still form the sitcom Sarabhai vs Sarabhai
Bohemian. read more...
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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