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While considering that a cycle of abuse can happen with victims turning abusers, we have to ask: do we accept it too easily when the perpetrators are men?
The #MeToo movement has shown us how patriarchy and its offspring, toxic masculinity adversely impact all the genders. While women came out with their stories of sexual abuse, often at the hands of men who were more powerful than them, a lot of men too came to the forefront to talk about the abuses they faced and hid because a culture of toxic masculinity that prevents them from expressing their vulnerabilities.
In this context, the recent narrative in The New Yorker by Pulitzer Prize winning author, Junot Diaz makes an important statement. While Diaz talks about being raped at the age of eight and how that culminated in him plummeting into a self-destructive mode, he also spoke about how he involved himself with numerous women in order to forget the pain but then abandoned them or cheated on them and left them hurt and grieving in the process.
This brings us to an important question.
It is definitely commendable for Diaz to come out and talk so honestly about his pain and suffering and how he emerged into the light after decades of struggle. However, it is difficult to not think about those women who too were abused in some way by the author’s behavior. Here is an important article that talks about how women often become footnotes to men’s journey towards the recovery from their sufferings.
When we are suffering, we often become selfish and blind to the rest of the world. However, at the end of the day, we need to ask some questions:
We are familiar with the image of a male artist or intellectual who is this dark, brooding type, who grabs the bottle of alcohol and has random sex (even when he is within a committed relationship) to forget his pain. He leaves a trail of hurt and abuse in his wake because he simply cannot deal with the pain. However, the right question to ask here now is: how come all the other genders who are more prone to being victims of sexual abuse, generally show less of such abusive tendencies? Is it because we ‘allow’ this kind of behavior, accept it, and justify it when it comes from a cisgender heterosexual male?
I am absolutely sympathetic towards abuse suffered by ALL genders. Every one deserves their stories to be heard. Everyone deserves love, sympathy and understanding in order to heal themselves. Irrespective of one’s gender, child sexual abuse is heinous and grossly wrong and the lifelong impact it has on an adult can never be undermined.
As I was talking to a friend the other day, we agreed on the fact that the pain of abuse never goes away – we simply learn how to coexist with the pain. However, at the end of the day, this cycle of abuse is never okay. Just like no one has the right to abuse me, similarly, I don’t have the right to abuse someone else just because I’m suffering. This kind of spiral of destructive behavior should never be okay. Even if it concerns cishet males.
*cis: For those of our readers unfamiliar with this term, the term cisgender or cis is used to refer to people who’s gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth. Cishet refers to a cis person who is also heterosexual.
Kasturi’s debut novel, forthcoming in early 2021, had won the novel pitch competition by Half Baked Beans Publishers. She won the Runner Up Position in the Orange Flower Awards 2021 for Short Fiction. Her read more...
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
It is shameful that in today's world too, women are abused and even killed for giving birth to a girl, and the infant's life is also of no value.
Trigger Warning: This deals with domestic violence, suicide, and violence against women, and may be triggering to survivors.
I am so glad that the esteemed courts are now giving the much-required verdicts regarding certain ideologies that were not at all entertained earlier. I mean we all have studied this much biology at our school level and it is our duty (our generation) to educate our elders about it.
Why someone have to lose a life to bring such awareness to the society. Delhi High Court gave this judgement concerning a case that filed by the deceased daughter’s parents against her in-laws. She committed suicide as she was harassed and tortured for dowry and giving birth to two daughters.
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