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A tongue in cheek look at what passes for many friendships – the desperate quest to be and stay cool only gets worse when making New Year plans!
I know you must be doing really well, but I’ll still take the pains to let you know that I know all about your whereabouts, what you have been doing since the last 13 years. I know about the fight you had with your sister last Christmas and the one before that with your brother over Diwali. I can narrate the list of gadgets you’ve used till date. I know all your friends along with their surnames, I know of your school crush and college affair. I also know the person whom you secretly hate. I know what you ate a month ago at a local pizzeria and I also know what you pooped this morning.
I basically know your life in and out even though I seldom talk to you.
I must let you know that even though I know it all, I’m least bothered about it.
I’m that nosy neighbour or that wave away friend whom you only get to hear from once a year on your birthday.
I am all of us.
Most of the times when I’ve called to wish you, you know I have secretly hoped that you wouldn’t answer the call and save me the embarrassment. I know this when I receive your text apologising that you were busy and I got the chance to wind it up easily.
But then there are those unfortunate times when we do cross each other and have had to talk because we forgot our phones and we couldn’t fake talking over them as we walked looking away.
It also happens when one of us accidentally answers the unintended phone call.
So what happens when we finally come face to face?
We wave and hug each other with a big gaping smile, as if we’ve found our joy.
We ask of each others’ well-being with banal greetings.
Now comes the challenge of keeping the ball rolling.
Neither of us want to be there, yet here we are.
We want to wind it up as casually as we can and leave the scene immediately without looking too rude.
But we still continue saying ‘aur batao‘ again and again, as no one wants to be the first person to accept the awkwardness and finish the buffet.
It’s like juicing a sugarcane by passing it repeatedly through the crusher, only for it to result in garbage which you don’t know where to keep.
And if its the festive time of the year, especially New Year, then you’ve got nowhere to go.
All year long, a boring answer to aur batao only meant that you had no news.
When it’s the year end, suddenly, ‘So what are your new year plans?’ becomes the ‘aur batao’ of December and there’s nowhere to run.
A boring answer to this would only mean that you don’t have a life. Even though the world is up kissing and partying, you’d love to laze at home and sleep.
But for the sake of appearances, deep in your heart you know that you have to nail it for the social trophy of the year. After all, this is what everybody is going to be talking about all summer – who had the most exciting new year’s eve.
Before you ask me ‘aur batao’, I am going to have a really awesome time on the 31st. I’m going to travel to the desert and sleep in my PJs.
Anyway, if you have any better, exciting and new comebacks to spool the yarn, please batao in the comments below!
Note: If you didn’t get the sarcasm in this post, kindly send me a New Year’s Card with the answers and I’ll explain.