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What do we Indian women do for retaining our identity after marriage? Why, for example, are we so prompt to change our names and claim our in laws' place as our hometown?
What do we Indian women do for retaining our identity after marriage? Why, for example, are we so prompt to change our names and claim our in laws’ place as our hometown?
I was invited to the birthday party of my six year old daughter’s classmate this weekend. It was the beginning of the year and like all mommies, I was curious to know who her classmates were. I was also eager to befriend their mothers. At the ‘pump it up’ where the party was held, I went around introducing myself, while the excited kids bounced, leaped and screamed.
“Hi I am Anjali’s mom” I was repeating myself for the 10th time to the 10th mom who like all others seemed very busy looking at her cell. I guess this is the only time the poor moms got to look at their phones and they were not ready to spare even a second. Some of them even looked annoyed as I tried to ‘hello’ them. Oh well, I had a clear intention and was not going to get disheartened. I had resolved to meet all the mothers and planned to create a WhatsApp group with all the willing mommies who agreed to share their contact with me.
In addition to adding their numbers, the curious cat in me wanted to know more about them. So I tried to strike a conversation with each one.
“So where are you from India” I asked mom#1 “We are from Bombay” Came her reply. “Oh did you grow up there?” I was falling prey to my inquiring mind. “No I grew up in Ahmadabad and my parents are still there. My husband’s family lives in Bombay.” “I see”
The sociologist in me was intrigued by this answer and I went on to ask the same set of questions to the other moms. 6 of the 10 desi moms quoted their in-laws place when I asked them the q “Where are you from India?” The rest of the four moms had their husbands from the same town as them. So their answers really didn’t get included in my study.
We were all living in nuclear families in the USA, far away from India. All were educated and independent women.Yet when probed, their in-laws place in India was cited as their own. I went on asking the same question whenever I got a chance, to many other Indian women I met at random places. I extended my study asking the same question to other nationalities too.
“Where in China are you from?” “Where in Canada are you from?” “Where in Poland are you from?”
I diligently noted down the answers. The conclusion was as follows.
We talk about equal rights, about bringing up our sons and daughters differently. We want an India that respects its women. But do we also realize that our daughters learn from us? Our core, our childhood, our hometown, our memories, do we change them to suit our life as a wife, a mother and a daughter-in-law? Do we make sure that we retain our identity after marriage? Do we want our daughters also to do the same?
Our childhood defines us. It lays the foundation for the rest of our lives. The hometown where we were raised, the people with whom we have interacted as a child, the house we grew up in, our relatives, friends all ground us. Do we wipe it all away willingly from the records when we marry? I say ‘from the records’ here as we can never ever willingly wipe it away from our mind. Our mind and memories are quite involuntary, beyond our control.
Some points to ponder:
Let’s celebrate ourselves ladies ! Let’s celebrate our family names, our family property, our ancestry, our existence and by doing so, lets watch our daughters grow up celebrating theirs as well. After all, its none other than us they would be celebrating in our old age !
Published here earlier.
Image source: pxhere
Manju Nambiar hails from the southern state of Kerala, India. A computer engineer by profession, she now works in one of the leading firms in San Jose, California where she lives with her husband and read more...
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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