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Patriarchy makes it difficult for women to take care of parents. This rule can have devastating consequences and this author realized.
“Why can’t you live with us, Grandma?” I asked.
“Parents don’t live with their daughters. It is against the rules of the society”, she said.
This conversation happened again and again but I was never convinced or satisfied by my Grandma’s answers. After my grandfather’s death, my grandmother divided her time between her elder son and younger son. She was mistreated by her daughter-in-laws and verbally abused by her sons and yet, she had to live with them. My mother, who loved and respected by grandma, was not given the opportunity to take care of her because society doesn’t ‘allow’ women to stay with their daughters.
So, we would listen to my grandmother’s accounts of her daughter-in-law’s taunts and her sons’ yelling and feel angry. We wanted to intervene but my grandmother stopped us from taking any step because intervening would make things worse for her. Even if she managed to somehow stay with us, she didn’t have the ability to ignore society’s taunts.
If she stayed for more than a month at our place, the aunties in my building would say things like, “Your paternal grandmother stays only for one week at your place, right?” or “My mother never stays with her daughters“. So, my grandmother never dared to disobey the society.
Few months back, my grandmother got an asthma attack and was unable to breathe properly for 3 days. Instead of taking her to the doctor, my aunt and uncle asked for some medicines from a doctor (who prescribed medicines without examining the patient) and neglected the warning signs. Their negligence lead to my grandmother’s death.
The post-death rituals had to be performed by my uncles. My mother, whose love for my grandmother is perhaps more than my uncles, was not allowed to perform the rituals.
I blame patriarchy for my grandmother’s death because my mother’s response to the attack would have been different than my uncle’s. I blame patriarchy for my grandmother’s unhappiness because she would have been happier had she lived with her daughter. I blame patriarchy for the behavior of my aunts because it turns women against women. I blame patriarchy for my uncle’s insensitivity because in a patriarchal culture, people who are not ‘useful’ (like babies, old people) are not treated well.
All men are not like my uncles. There are men who take good care of their parents but why are women not allowed to take up this responsibility? Why is it a sin to stay at a daughter’s place? Why can’t daughters perform the post-death rituals? Why are rules more important than love?
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Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise.
Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.
Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!
When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.
Women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths.
We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?
A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.
Let’s examine this a little closer.
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