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A married daughter is still looked upon as a guest by Indian parents today, no matter the love that is there. A daughter recounts her personal experience.
A daughter can leave her father’s lap not his heart. As soon as the doctor announced my birth, my father was overjoyed. His first born a daughter. The love and pampering was evident. He carried me in his lap, took me piggyback, spoilt me sick with sweets and toys with his meagre salary. My demand was his command. Whether it was learning the alphabet, nursery rhymes or maths problems, he was always there. He indulged me but disciplined me to be a sensible child.
My achievements in class made him swell with pride. During any sickness he would sit by my side all night, feed me soup lovingly, bring the choicest foods which would help me recuperate.
I sailed through my boards with his help and procured a place in a good college. He gave me the opportunity to get a good education. When the time came for me to tie the knot he was sceptical of the prospective boys, as he wanted the best for me. At last he found my prince charming and the marriage took place. He found it very difficult during the kanyadaan ceremony, and shed copious tears during the ‘bidai‘.
We have always been very close, we have had a very transparent relationship till date. He is a friend, philosopher and guide.
I too was depressed going away from home. I had thought dad would be heart-broken to see me go far away. But the first time I visited home after marriage, I found a change in his demeanour. Suddenly we had become strangers. There was only formal talk – the little gifts he would get me, the leg-pulling and jokes had vanished out of the window. It felt strange, that I had become a guest overnight in a house where I was born and grew up.
Not just that, if I asked him to come and visit me, he politely declined. If I insisted, he would come for a day and go back, giving me gifts and cash, as he believes that one doesn’t eat and drink at the daughter’s house.
When I became a mother, he was over the moon and he was elated to hold his first grand child. Being a grandfather for the first time brought out the child in him. He loved playing with my child. Soon my sibling, my brother got married, and my father enjoyed spending time with his daughter in law.
Now he is a grandfather to four grand kids, two my brother’s, and two mine. Since he stays with the son and his family, he is more attached to my brother’s kids. The equation with me has undergone a paradigm shift. His life centres around his son and daughter in law, and I am treated as a guest. We talk on the phone but more like strangers. I feel hurt as I am no more a part of my own family.
Indian parents believe living with sons is the order of the day. The daughter becomes a part of the new family. My identity is lost.
No matter how old a daughter is, she always needs her father. So this myopic mindset should be changed, where parents think a daughter as a guest after marriage. She too should be given the love and place in her father’s heart, as ‘Once a daughter, always a daughter!’
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Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise.
Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.
Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!
When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.
Women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths.
We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?
A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.
Let’s examine this a little closer.
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