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Getting hitched soon? Congratulations! Feeling jittery? Don’t worry, we have some awesome tips for you on how to make your man happy!
According to our culture and tradition, getting married and ‘settling down’ should really be the ideal goal of every Indian woman above the age of 20. So you are indeed on the right path.
So, how to make your man happy? Marriage is complicated but here are some tips for you that will make your marital life smoother and simpler:
No, no I’m not talking about what you read secretly in your teen magazine; that would just be the one big O – his – yours really doesn’t matter in the bigger picture, you know. No, I am talking about two important duties of a good wife: Obey & Oblige.
The first lesson to be learnt when getting married is to learn to nod your head and agree with anything and everything that your husband asks of you.
He wants you to quit your job? Agree. After all he just wants you to be at home to look after him isn’t it? Oh how he must love you! Poor guy, he must be longing for some attention and care! As his wife, you are duty bound to provide what he needs from you. If you happily go off to work, then who will cook for him? Who will do his laundry? Who will wash his dirty plates? Who will wait for him to come home with a steaming hot cup of tea and a plate of freshly made pakoras in the evenings? Who will pick up his wet towel from the bed and his dirty socks from under the sofa?
Think about it and be rational. Do you think you will have the time for all these responsibilities if you go to work? No of course not! But if you sit at home, you will anyway be doing nothing the whole day – so you can save your energy for your darling husband.
On the other hand, if your husband wants you to go to work, by all means do so; don’t forget to hand over your salary to him every month. He knows best how to handle the family finances and you can always ask him for anything that you need. If it makes sense he will give you the money to buy it or even buy it himself. If not, then just forget it – you don’t need to carry over your irresponsible and spendthrift ways to your marital home as well.
However, never fail to get home before he does. No one likes to see a dull and dirty face when they come home after a long and tiring day. So don’t forget to freshen up, change into some clean clothes and be bright and cheery when he comes.
The second mantra of a happy married life is to adjust. Your in-laws don’t like you wearing western clothes? Wear only saris and salwars. Why do you want to upset them? It is only a minor issue anyway.
Did your husband just say that your chapathis are not as perfectly round as his mother’s for the umpteenth time? Resist the urge to shove the rolling pin down his throat (or up elsewhere) and resolve to sharpen your chapathi making skills.
Your husband might be genuinely allergic to exercise. Side effects might include excessive sweating and body pain. So do not push him to work out. Also, have you seen that advertisement for cooking oil? Apparently men have zero self-control, so he will stuff himself with unhealthy junk when outside. So it is your job to cook healthy and balanced meals for him instead of nagging him to exercise – after all exercise doesn’t agree with his health you see.
Don’t even dream of questioning your husband! It is a sin for which you will burn in hell. His office timings are from 9-6. So why does he come home by 11 every day? Do not ask! It must be your fault anyway!
Perhaps you launch into a monologue about how your day went as soon as he gets home. How boring! Don’t talk unless asked to and keep the rotis hot by placing them in a hot pack and ready when he comes. The poor guy must be famished from roaming outside. In fact if possible feed him the rotis while singing some rhymes… er..I mean some romantic songs.
How come he has no time to take down the laundry despite your reminders but finds time to talk for hours over the phone every weekend? Such things are none of your business. Perhaps his friends need his esteemed counsel. Take down the laundry yourself. Why trouble him for such menial tasks?
Does he not want you to be in touch with your male colleagues? Of course he is right! Male colleagues only have one agenda on their minds – how to seduce you and spoil your marriage.
Your husband on the other hand only has your best interests at heart. It is his duty to protect your honour. He is after all your husband isn’t he? So listen to him and don’t ask things like why you can’t go to a house warming party of a male colleague. In fact even if you are invited to a party by a female colleague, don’t go; because your male colleagues would also come right? Stay away!
You see, men have it really hard. They slog for hours on end at the office. They deserve a break. So if he wants to freak out with his friends every weekend, don’t stop him. Respect his wishes and let him go. If you think that you would be bored, don’t worry. Keep yourself occupied with cleaning the house, trying out some special dishes, arranging his cupboard, shopping for weekly provisions and running errands.
If he comes homes and zones out in front of the television, please show some sympathy and do not disturb him. See, he cannot even notice your child pawing at your legs to be carried while you finish up dinner; he is so exhausted and stressed the poor dear. Be a sweetheart and let him relax.
Nature intended parenting to be a woman’s job. Isn’t it obvious? After all women are the ones who are blessed enough to go through pregnancy, labour and who also have the ability to breastfeed. Don’t you get the message?
A man can remember how many runs Tendulkar scored in his last match but its’s impossible for them to recall which class their child is in. It’s clear that parenting is not for fathers. Some shameless women who think that they are very modern might even ask their husbands to change the baby’s soiled diaper. What sacrilege! How dare they! Some even have the audacity to wake up the husband who is peacefully snoring over the baby’s screams. A man needs his rest ladies! You wait and watch, pretty soon these are the ones who would end up getting divorced and will grow old all alone. Shudder!
It is your job to look after your kid so don’t try to pass the buck to your husband, understand? He is already doing more than enough for you by simply being your husband. It’s a privilege that so many women would die to have. So do not unnecessarily take advantage of your man’s good heart. If you can’t look after your child, imagine what people will say about the type of mother you are!
These 6 rules will stand you in good stead in married life. Your man will be head over heels in love with you if you practice all these rules diligently. Oh and also, don’t forget to observe any and every fast out there for your husband’s health and longevity. Remember your happiness depends on him. My wishes for a happy married life!
Note: The writer has a strong belief in her writing skills and is hence confident that her snarky cynicism comes through clearly in this write-up. In case she is sadly mistaken about her writing prowess, she would like to state explicitly that this post is meant to be sarcastic and that neither she nor Women’s Web advocates becoming the kind of doormat this article speaks of, and are in fact strongly against it.
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