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Two very different queries from readers, yet in both, a husband and a wife face problems communicating with each other. Share your thoughts too.
Every Thursday, the Women’s Web expert panel with the support of Healtheminds, answers questions from readers facing relationships issues, emotional and mental challenges and other such issues.
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I am a 34 year old IT professional. After almost 14 years of courtship (distance relationship) I got married about 1.5 years back. I am a self-made woman with a stable life. Distance has played a key-role in our life as it has helped to keep the flame burning and hence both I and my husband share a great rapport and great sex-life too.
Over all these years, I have looked upto my husband as guardian (he’s 6 years elder to me). I feel deep gratitude towards him for the immense contribution he’s made to my life.However I am at a cross-road now.
After 2 attempts of pregnancy resulting in miscarriage, I feel the need to quit my job. However my husband insists me to be strategic and not take decision in haste. While pregnancy is one prime reason, I have other convincing reasons – prolonged distance relationship, working in different cities, need of emotional bonding during pregnancy, etc.
Though I totally respect and trust my husband’s wisdom and experience yet I feel split by his non-co-operation in this matter. I have had numerous discussions to convey this message – firmly and gently but I can clearly sense the discomfort in him about the decision to quit job.
The reasons that he gives are both practical and emotional, while at times he would smoothly agree and say “it’s your life and take any decision you want after giving it a deep thought weighing both pros n cons”.
I am aware that if someday, I abruptly quit my job and try settling with him, after some initial hiccups / discomfort he would gradually get comfortable with my presence however I don’t wish to act in haste either. Moreover, I realize it is the ideal time to start a family and start living together to look forward to a prosperous future.
I too do have my own inhibitions about quitting, but I now somehow feel confident about my decision. Moreover it won’t be permanent break from work as I wish to resume my career after a successful delivery.
Like I mentioned, I trust my husband, however I am afraid he isn’t able to understand the gravity of my emotions. He’s not in good terms with his own family and has lived an independent life alone from past 22 years. Until few years back I felt that the reason for his reluctance could be to safeguard his own privacy and freedom however nowadays he easily does agree to my decision and simultaneously disagrees too.
I strongly wish to go ahead and make a move but my hands are tied as I don’t wish to thrust myself on him abruptly as there are some financial commitments (loans) that he would need to take handover from me after I resign and hence I wish to make it a smooth and mutual decision.
I am looking for an effective way to convince my husband to understand my feelings, fears and thoughts in a positive way.
Hi dear, thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
It is indeed a tough time and a tough decision to make, albeit a delicate one. But you need to take a firm stand at this stage.
You must try to pick up a job around/near his place of work or home before you put in your papers at your place of work. Once you have the job offer in your hand, this will give you the quiet confidence in broaching the topic with your husband. Also, it will add to your courage of conviction to convince your husband why this move is a smarter one than the present.
More importantly, it will take care of your financial commitments which you had mentioned that your husband is involved in.
Merely quitting your job and moving in with your husband may not answer satisfactorily for either of you. Your husband’s financial liabilities are not making him comfortable with the thought and you will also get bored to tears soon enough if you have to stay at home for some time.
I understand that the idea may be appealing to you at this stage but its not a sagacious thought really, considering the fact that you have been working since long and it may not be avery comfortable scenario for you to stay at home. Do reflect on this thought for a while.
But with a job offer in your hand near his place, your husband is more likely to be in sync with your thought process of living together amicably in the same place.
And with God’s grace , you will soon conceive again and with happy thoughts in your mind, will give birth to your baby with a serene disposition.
-Dr. Amita Puri, Psychologist, Healtheminds
I have been married for 3 years and have a 1.5-year-old son. I am 25 years old. My in-laws have orthodox thoughts and so does my husband. Everything was fine between my hubby and me till my son arrived. After him, we had no connection physically and emotionally. I talked to him but he says he is tired and the baby irritates him. At one point, there were continuous 3 weeks when we had not talked. Day by day I feel I am staying with a stranger. He is a quiet and shy person. So neither he has social life nor does he talk to anyone.
If I approach him for sex, he refuses. I love social life. He doesn’t like that I talk to my friends or make new friends. Even when his cousins make plans to go out, he avoids it. I feel pissed off, and suffocated…like I have become a slave. Guests keep on coming and I serve them whether I like it or not.
I left my CA final studies and want to continue so that I get busy and don’t think about it. But it is love that I need, and the care of my husband. I have no confidence in myself. What should I Do?
Should I focus on studies and kill the emotional thoughts or should I keep on taking initiatives on relationship and wait for that miracle day when I would be loved as a wife and daughter in law? Should I leave my marriage because we are totally opposite?There is no single common thing between us. Please help.
Hi dear, Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
I understand that it is a difficult time for you and that you require the emotional and social support of your husband which unfortunately you are not receiving at the moment.
Do not lose heart at this stage. This happens with many young couples at your stage. Funny though it may seem, some men also suffer from post partum depression which your husband seems to be in at this stage.
Post partum depression generally sets in, in women just after the delivery. Your husband seems to be in a prolonged state of it. Try and have a little more patience and handle this issue diplomatically. Just imagine that you do not have one but two children on your hands who require your undivided attention.
Probably your husband felt (though it is not true) that after the baby, all your attention is diverted to him at his personal cost and this has made him moody and inattentive even in fulfilling your and his own sexual desires. Try paying extra attention to his small needs and make him feel at every step how important he is in your life. Do it with a smile and soon you will see the rewards, God willing.
Regarding his personality trait of not being as social as you are, dear, you will just have to work on him a little, and talk to him quietly – slowly he will begin to realize that if this is what makes you happy, he can also make little compromises for your sake.
Do not show that you are upset or disturbed at his particular behaviour. Instead of saying ,”You…… do not…., you …always….”, try saying, “I like it when you ……”; “ I enjoy it whenever we ….” And you will soon find that you are conversing more often and with more friendliness than before.
Patience is bitter but its fruit is sweet. And this patience you need to show him in abundance and you will reap the rewards soon enough, dear. And you will certainly get that love and care you so much crave for, from your husband.
-Dr. Amita Puri, Psychologist, Healtheminds
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