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In this edition of #ReachOutThursday, a woman talks about her hatred for men, which stems from her previous experiences and now her parental pressure to get married.
Every Thursday, the Women’s Web expert panel with the support of Healtheminds, answers questions from readers facing relationships issues, emotional and mental challenges and other such issues.
I hate men. All my experiences in the past with men had been painful. So, each time a man comes in my life, my old feelings of pain, comes up. I am 26 years old and my parents wants me to marry, what do I do?
I am sorry to hear that all your experiences with men have been painful in the past. Your hatred towards men who have hurt you is justified. However, judging all men based on these experiences is not a very healthy way to cope. You may find it useful to reflect on specific incidents or characteristics of these men that you dislike. Are they the same for each of them? Can you identify any unique traits too? It is highly probable that in addition to common features, each of them had habits or behaviors that the others did not have.
Over-generalization is a common cognitive distortion that our mind resorts to in the face of repeated negative experiences. For example, approaching a person with a negative mind-set based on your prior experience with another man. Another example of cognitive distortions is ‘polarization’ (or black-or-white thinking), where a person tends to think in one extreme or the other, disregarding the possibility of a third option. For instance thinking that men can either be good, or bad. However, the real picture is often more complicated than that.
If you find the feelings related to your past interfering with your daily living, I strongly advise you to reach out to a counselor for support. Speaking to a professional will help you to cope with these difficulties in a more effective manner.
Entering a marital relationship with strong misgivings about your partner is inadvisable. Can you think of any interactions with a man which have not been painful or negative? Perhaps a friend, colleague or relative who you share a good rapport with? Each person is unique and has both good and bad aspects. It takes time to get to know a person, and I hope you spend time doing so rather than relying on past experience. All the best!
Regards,
Aditi Kulkarni, Psychologist, Healtheminds
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Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise.
Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.
Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!
When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.
Women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths.
We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?
A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.
Let’s examine this a little closer.
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