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The author wonders at the Great Indian Damaat, the son-in-law who is always revered and placed on a pedestal.
The Great Indian Damaad or son-in-law is always placed on a pedestal, with the dictum “damaad khush to beti khush (if the son-in-law is happy, the daughter is happy).” What about “bahu kush tho beta kush (if the daughter-in-law is happy, the son stays happy)?”
If there is one person in this wide world who enjoys utmost royalty, it is the Great Indian Damaad (son-in-law). So revered and honoured is he that often, a girl’s parents would go to any extent to keep him happy. It is as though the Good Lord Himself has entered their family and wed their daughter.
Saroj, my laundry lady, was no exception to this rule and one day, seemed unusually anxious. “Didi paanch hazaar rupaye chahiye,” she said. She wanted Rs. 5000. My eyes popped open for a moment. Not that I had issues with extending the loan, but the amount seemed large for a daily wage earner like Saroj. In a city like Delhi, with high costs of living, it would probably take her months to repay me. “My damaad and beti (daughter) are coming from Itarsi (a town in the state of Madhya Pradesh, India) during the Navratri festival. I have to prepare a feast for them and also get a new sari for my daughter, a suit piece and a gold plated wrist watch for my damaad. We can’t send our damaad empty-handed. Damaad kush tho beti kush (if the son-in-law is happy, the daughter stays happy),” she said with glee.
My eyes popped open. Of course, gifting your loved ones is indeed a good gesture, but stretching it beyond one’s financial capability was something I failed to understand. As I handed Saroj ten crisp Rs. 500 notes, I casually mentioned, “I am sure you must be getting something for your newly wedded son and daughter-in-law too.” Saroj was quick to snap back, “Arre, who tho bahu he, usko thode hi dete he. (She is just a daughter in law, why should she be given?)” I wondered in my heart, why is the same loving gesture of gifting and pampering not extended to the daughter-in-law of the family? What about “bahu kush tho beta kush (if the daughter-in-law is happy, the son stays happy)?” Why didn’t this logic apply?
I brushed these thoughts aside, thinking that probably such practices were common among the economically weaker sections of the society, where the women are seldom financially empowered and need to be dependent entirely on their husbands. I was almost sure this would not be the case in educated families, where equality would prevail in relationships. But I soon realised how wrong I was.
I bumped into my next door neighbour Mr. Mehta at the local grocery store. He was pushing two overloaded carts and seemed ready to strike a conversation. “Priya and Alexandro are coming this Sunday,” he said brimming over with excitement. Mr. Mehta’s daughter Priya had recently wed Alexandro Gubbini, an Italian college professor. After a lavish County wedding, she moved to London with him, settling down into matrimony. “This is my Italian damaad’s first visit and we want to make sure he feels at home. The feast would include all his favourite Italian dishes so that he feels special.” I casually asked Mr. Mehta if any Indian dish would be served to his firangi damaadji. “Oh no, what if he doesn’t like it? How could we upset our damaadji? It is our Indian tradition to treat our damaad with utmost care and pamper him with all that he likes.”
I nodded and walked towards the billing counter. My thoughts wandered to the conversations I had often had with Nita on multiple occasions. She was the daughter-in-law of the Mehta household. Being of the same age, we often went for long walks together in our colony, sharing tidbits from our daily lives. On many an occasion, Nita had expressed her feelings of displeasure at how she was expected by her in-laws to change her tastes, lifestyle and dressing habits as per her sasural (the in-laws’ home). After all, she had moved into their family and was expected to eat, sit and move the way they did.
I wondered why there really wasn’t an Indian Tradition to treat the daughter-in-law with care. Did Mr. Mehta put in effort to make his Nita feel comfortable in her initial days of marriage? Did he ensure her favourite dishes were prepared so that she felt at home? Why was she expected to change her habits to suit their needs?Never miss real stories from India's women.Register Now
I wondered why there really wasn’t an Indian Tradition to treat the daughter-in-law with care. Did Mr. Mehta put in effort to make his Nita feel comfortable in her initial days of marriage? Did he ensure her favourite dishes were prepared so that she felt at home? Why was she expected to change her habits to suit their needs?
Itarsi or Italy, the Indian damaad surely enjoys a privileged treatment in comparison to the humble bahus. This is common in almost all households where the damaad is place on a pedestal high up, a place where a daughter-in-law never reaches. I wonder why?
Image via Shutterstock.
A blogger who writes on society and culture, hoping to bring about positive impact on as many people as possible. Read more posts on www.meotherwise.com. read more...
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The plight of Indian women's mental health often goes unnoticed. Co-founders Vivek Satya Mitram and Pooja Priyamvada conceived the idea of the Bharat Dialogues Women & Mental Health Summit to address this.
Trigger Warning: This contains descriptions of mental health trauma and suicide, and may be triggering for survivors.
Author’s note: The language and phraseology used are not the author’s words but the terms and narrative popularly used for people living with mental illnesses, and may feel non-inclusive. It is merely for putting our point across better.
I have seen how horrifying was the treatment given to those with mental illness.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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