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How to deal with an abusive partner? The process might not be easy. But worth the effort. Here are 5 ways to deal with an abusive partner.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, you need to act. Sometimes it might work out to be positive, but more often the only option is to end the relationship. Don’t try to do it alone or without a plan and help from others. Here are some tips.
Before taking action, you should first acknowledge the abuse. This is often the longest and most difficult step, as victims tend to minimise the seriousness of their situation. One thing to remember: abuse isn’t just physical violence – it more frequently comes in forms of emotional and/or psychological torment. Don’t wait until you are physically assaulted before you consider your relationship abusive. Accept your situation and take action.
This is a difficult question. The answer is usually no, no matter how badly you want it to be yes. If you’ve faced violence, the answer is a definitive no. If your partner has been abusive more or less since you met them, the answer is no. If your partner’s abuse is a new phenomenon, however, and you sincerely believe that they will accept their wrongs against you and stop immediately, then there may be room to salvage what you have built together. But at this point, your priority should not be your relationship, but immediately getting your power back. Make it clear that you will leave the relationship if your partner doesn’t stop their abusive behaviour immediately, and what exactly will no longer be tolerated. Help from friends, family and organisations can help you during this difficult time.
If you are in an abusive relationship, the most important thing to consider is your safety. If you feel you are in immediate danger, contact the police and try to get to somewhere safe. If you have more time to think, consider who you can rely on for support. Deciding to leave an abusive situation will be difficult and scary. Tell your plans to someone you trust, like a friend or family member. Also consider contacting an organisation that can assist you or give you relevant information on seeking help. Clearly assessing the seriousness of your situation, and knowing what your options are, is essential for making a good decision about what to do.
The time to be most vigilant is when the abuser realises that you are planning to leave. Have a safety plan in place. Use a safe computer or telephone not accessible to your abusive partner, as they may be monitoring your computer usage. Once you decide to leave, know where you will go, whether it’s to a friend or family member, or to a shelter or safe house where you can seek temporary accommodation until you sort out what to do next. When you leave, remember to take your phone, identities cards and other important belongings, as it may not be safe to return for them.
It is a good idea to know your legal rights, especially if you feel you are in danger of physical violence. There are a number of laws you can use to protect yourself from domestic abuse. Laws vary from state to state. Once you know your rights, consider filing charges against your abuser. For more information regarding your rights as a victim of abuse, see here.
Once you’ve made the decision to end things, don’t fall victim to your emotions – just do what needs to be done. It’s not the time to mourn your failed romance – it’s the time to make yourself safe. If you think your abuser will react violently, don’t deliver the news in person. Do it over the phone, or via email or text or letter, sent from far away in a safe place. Keep your words short: make it clear that the relationship is over and that you’re not interested in the possibility of any future. It’s over. Nothing else needs to be said. End things and cut off communication.
You need not fight abuse alone. There are organisations, both at a local and national level, that provide resources that will help you. Friends and family usually have the right intentions, but they may not be the best people to help you. They may even make the situation worse. Reach out to the following sources, as well as organisations more focused in your local area.
Here’s a list of Indian NGOs, state-by-state. And here are a couple of other helpful resources for women in India. You could also call these helplines for anything from legal aid to counselling.
Once your abusive relationship is over, you should reflect on what it was that led you there in the first place. Is this your first abusive relationship, or is it part of a pattern? If so, it is vital that you acknowledge and explore what led you into this pattern, and to address any underlying issues you may discover, otherwise you may be doomed to repeat it. Don’t rush straight into another relationship. Take the time to heal and surround yourself with support, and address the underlying issues.
Love Matters India, a multimedia platform gives information about love, sex and relationships. They are running the initiative #BearNoMore which is a campaign against intimate partner violence. You can join the campaign and make your voice heard here.
First published here. Republished with due permission
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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