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Do we love the people we love for who they are? Or who who would like them to be?
There is an interesting Greek story about a great sculptor named Pygmalion who found all the women of Cyprus imperfect and decided to create a sculpture based on his idea of the perfect woman. It took him several months to complete the statue, but his creation looked so perfect that he fell in love with it – he called her Galatea. However, Pygmalion increasingly became desperate and unhappy as he had fallen in love with a statue that was lifeless and wouldn’t respond to his love.
What has ‘Pygmalion’ to do with relationships? Sometimes, what attracts us to someone is the differences (“opposites attract”) in their traits. However, as we move into a closer and long term relationship with the person, the same differences (that we once liked) becomes ‘flaws’ or ‘imperfections’.
We then gradually (knowingly or unknowingly) start a ‘Pygmalion Project’ – where we try to change our loved one into this perfect ‘Galatea’ – based on our values, our background and our outlook on life. We try sculpting them through various means. But like Pygmalion, we end up unhappy and frustrated because even if they change under pressure, it isn’t their natural self and people are at their best when they are in their natural self. So this whole project, even if it looks like a success (which means you were able to change your loved one), is actually a failure.
This pertains to a parent-child relationship as well where the parent often starts a Pygmalion Project on the child. Just because the child is born from you, does not mean he/she has to be ‘you’. Nothing could explain this better than Kahlil Gibran’s poem on children.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
The Greek myth of Pygmalion does end on a sweet note with the Goddess Venus bringing Galatea to life and Pygmalion marrying her to live happily ever after.
In real life however, to be happy in a relationship, one needs to give up on the Pygmalion projects, and love people for what they are.
couple holding hands image via Shutterstock
Sophia is the founder of Soul Cafe, a mom, a travel and life enthusiast. She has keen interest in studying human relationships and behavioral patterns. After a decade of playing various roles in the corporate read more...
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UP Boards Topper Prachi Nigam was trolled on social media for her facial hair; our obsession with appearance is harsh on young minds.
Prachi Nigam’s photo has been doing the rounds on social media for the right reasons. Well, scratch that- I wish the above statement were true. This 15-year-old girl should ideally be revelling in her spectacular achievement of scoring a whopping 98.05% and topping her tenth-grade boards. But oddly enough, along with her marks, it’s something else that garners more attention – her facial hair.
While the trolls are driving themselves giddy by mocking this girl who hasn’t even completed her school yet, the ones who are taking her side are going one step ahead – they are sharing her photoshopped pictures, sans the facial hair, looking nothing less than a celebrity with captions saying – “Prachi Nigam, ten years later”.
Doctors have already diagnosed her with PCOD in their comments, based on photographic evidence. While we have names for people shamed for their weight – body shaming, for their skin colour- racism, for their age- age shaming, for being a female- sexism, this category of shaming where one faces criticism for their appearance has no name. With that, it also has zero shame attached to it.
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