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Society teaches women that they must 'adjust' and 'sacrifice' if they have to make marriages work. Do we teach men the same? This post asks the right questions.
Society teaches women that they must ‘adjust’ and ‘sacrifice’ if they have to make marriages work. Do we teach men the same? How do we equip women to handle problems in marriages? This post asks the right questions.
When I was about get married, I got advice about the new life I was going to embrace, about how I might have to give less priority to my likes and dislikes, and how I have to accept those of the new home. All the advice was very subtle, but it did suffocate me a bit. It didn’t matter that I was going to marry a man of my choice, the sacrifices I must make were staring at me. None of this came from my fiancée or future in-laws.
Almost 7 years later, I am happy to acknowledge that I haven’t been asked to make anyone else’s likes and dislikes as my priority! Is it because we were outside India for the majority of our married life, or because my in-laws are not demanding people? I think both of these are factors. I knew my husband very well before our marriage, so did he. We were well aware of our flaws and faults. We knew each other’s values and strengths too. We had major fights before our marriage. But we wanted to get married to each other because we loved each other.
So when the advice found its way to my ears, I was surprised. Because none of the advisers knew the person I was going to live with better than me.
So when the advice found its way to my ears, I was surprised. Because none of the advisers knew the person I was going to live with better than me. Regardless, they pitched in. Because there are set rules to be followed in a marriage, and the most prominent one of all is for the bride to accept that the new life is going to be incredible at the price of her likes, dislikes, dreams, desires, etc. That’s what I understood. Because some of the statements were screaming that out, very gently, I might add.
Of course, the night before my wedding I wasn’t going to bother myself with all these new tantrums. I was hopeful about the new life we were going to build together. Because I knew that it was going to be new for him too. I was aware that he was also going to make adjustments to fit me into his life, and the same was expected from me too.
I wonder now why they failed to tell me about that. Is it because society sees (and wants) only the girl to make adjustments? I am happy to underline that my expectations were right, he too made a lot of adjustments from his side to accommodate me. And it should be like that.
Moreover, they didn’t ask me if I was happy, and they don’t ask me if I am happy now.Never miss real stories from India's women.Register Now
Moreover, they didn’t ask me if I was happy, and they don’t ask me if I am happy now.
Then I realized; though everyone was generous in dropping their knowledge about married life on me, no one educated me on how to handle the bad situations, how to understand when I was exploited in any way, how to let them know if any such thing happens. Moreover, they didn’t ask me if I was happy, and they don’t ask me if I am happy now. And I am proud to say that there is only one person who cares about my happiness – my husband, the person I loved and got married to, who I fight with and scream at, who knows the ups and downs I go through. And I must say it is mutual.
There are a lot of misconceptions about married life. Yes, it is true that girls have to make adjustments to make it work, but so do boys. If men are not doing it, it is probably because they are not expected to do so, or they are not taught to adjust. Is it society’s mistake then?
If you don’t educate your daughters well about the situation then how can you cry when things go wrong? How can women complain about the injustice and inequalities suffered from the in-laws’ if they are expected to sacrifice and adjust by their own parents? How are men at fault when they are not made aware that they too have adjustments to make in the new life? Who is at fault here?
This post was first published here.
Pic credit: Image of a wedding couple via Shutterstock.
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
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14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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