I am single. I have been for a long time now. More than choice I believe it is an effort. It is natural for humans to ‘heal and move on’ and sometimes ‘move on and heal’.
After a series of ‘move on and heal cycles’ and 1 marriage, I decided not to heal, not heal on the surface. (effort)
I decided to look below the surface. (effort)
It made me both happy and sad. Because there was tons of healing to be done below the surface but then the thought of healing and moving once and for all (a lot of effort) is immensely liberating.
In the meantime since I was looking at everything very objectively, I generated my own insights for why the society (and me very much a part) behaved the way we did about and around those who weren’t married.
To begin with I believe a few words we use frequently need to be reconsidered.
One – ‘us singles’ – most singles are hoping to leave the tribe, so singles must stop this solidarity crap, stop behaving like victims and speak as themselves and not as though they belong to a union fighting for its rights.
Two – ‘that singles world’ – Really? Like which is the best airline to take in order to get there? There is no world of singles. Just a simple example is that the married ones on days wish there weren’t married, others sometimes wish they were.
There is nothing against stereotypes, they help the working of the society in a lot of ways and more importantly they do come from truth. But here is the irony; by stereotyping you are displaying a stereotypical behaviour towards singles. And there is nothing against that too because the thing about truth is that it need not be true – my truth may not necessarily be THE truth.
What I wish to do though is talk about my insights and observations. There has been a realization that more often than not the stereotypical behaviour towards singles comes from ignorance. Our society does not know any better. There are no books that give tips on ‘what not to do around/say to singles’; at the same time nothing of what follows is meant to be in that direction either. Ignorance exists but I am not holding the torch for anything here.
What will follow will be stories and observations weaved together in a manner that will make you ponder, reflect, smile and share.
I wish to share something I wish a lot of married girls in my world and others understood about – ‘Girls Day Out’.
I am going to talk about girls here because married men are capable of having a ‘boys day out’ with other married men, probably because they don’t end up whining about their marriage. But when it comes to women it usually goes like this. “I am sick of my husband and kids, my boring married life and married friends, let me call a single friend and plan a ‘girls day out’”.
The best part is the phone call. “Hey! Lets catch up, I just need a ‘girls day out’”.
So… why don’t you call the women you hang out with otherwise. And why do we assume that the single friend will be available. And even if they have something planned it is easy for them to change plans to suit yours.
Here is news for you… You did not mean it that way but… in THAT SINGLES WORLD that YOU imagine… Your single friend does not feel very respected when this happens.
What you should really do is call the married women you hang out with and try not to talk about your marriages. Sure, invite your single friends here. That will be a true ‘girls day out’. Meeting a single friend could make you feel miserable about the freedom they have and you don’t.
There is one more word I have a problem with i.e. ‘single’. Single should not be word used in this context at all. It can ONLY and only be a word if you are going to call the others ‘plural’. It is final then, one is either single or plural.
Pic credit: Pankaj Kaushal (Used under a Creative Commons license)