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Why women need to speak up for themselves rather than waiting for others to recognize their worth
I am 40. It took me this many years to learn to stand up for myself. And even now, I am not fully there yet. I still, sometimes, need to remind myself to think of me instead of the other person. My first reaction is still to blame myself if I get in a conflict with someone. I am still too timid to speak up about what I want or things that bother me. And when I catch myself doing that, I wonder why it is so? Why is it easy for men to say Well, he/she is an a-hole when they get in a conflict while women say I must have done or said something to elicit that response from him/her ?
What is it that makes us this way? Our upbringing? Maybe. Our inherent nature? I doubt that. Social conditioning? YES! I cannot remember the number of times I have been told by one particular female relative that, being a woman, it is my supreme duty to a) tolerate everything, b) put others first, c) keep my mouth shut. You subject a woman to years of that sermon, along with taking her independence away by forbidding her from working, making her financially dependent and telling her all the time that she is good only because you are good to her (which implies no matter what she does, her efforts can never be exceptional or applaud-worthy) and what do you get? A broken woman who think she is good for nothing. A woman who takes years to realize that she got the jobs that she got (when she finally went out to work) because she was wanted for her skills and not because the employers were out to do charity.
The good thing is that I finally realized it even though it is still a struggle to accept compliments because somewhere deep down I don t believe I deserve them. I know I am a capable, efficient professional but you ask me to stand up and defend that and I might just refuse. And that has hurt me in a lot of ways.
This made me nervous about asking confidently for a salary that I knew I deserved. I faltered. It made me question myself when it was time for salary, vacation and responsibility negotiations. It made me stay quiet under hostile work conditions. It made me cry in front of people who made me uncomfortable (and I hate this part the most). It set me back, professionally, by at least 2-3 years because I always made excuses for the other party to not give me what I deserved.
Luckily for me, I met a few very strong women at work who taught me how to stand up for myself, how to value myself and how to make others value me. These are strong women I admire greatly. One is a single mom of two, the second is married and has 3 kids and the third one is unmarried with no kids. One is younger than I am, the second is about my age and the third is probably old enough to be an aunt. They are all very different from each other but the one thing they have in common is grit and courage and a truck load of self-confidence. I ll try and put, into words, what these women have taught me by example about being my own advocate (because no one else will if I won t).
I will add more to this post if I remember something else. But these are the lessons I have learned in my short career that I still implement in my professional (and personal) life.
Pic credit: Alban Gonzalez (Used under a CC license)
Cee Kay is a mother of two girls, a networking professional, a cooking enthusiast and a resident of Norwalk, CT (USA), trying to peel herself off of her old doormat mode and transforming herself into read more...
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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